Don’t forget to vote this November
Got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?
He was out standing in his field 👨🏻🌾
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
Child safety bad. (Image shared is pic of computer screen for extra boomer-ness)
https://ift.tt/2E4gstA
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
Welcome to invisibility class.
I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
Zombie Mr. Clean
wants your draaaiiins
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
No text found
The hardest part about babysitting-
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother
For $10 worth of bitcoin B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin? T: I just want to start investing for college? B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you. T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for? B: I gave you $15.43, just like you asked. T: Okay, hopefully my $13.86 price will go up. B: No problem, Timmy. $4.31 isn't that much for me.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
What do you call a communist during winter?
A snowviet
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
“Dad, what do ballerinas wear?”
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.
How do you introduce a hamburger?
“meet patty”
I learned the name of Baby Yoda’s mother…
It's "Yomama"
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
My friend said she didn’t understand how cloning worked
"That makes two of us"
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
Going into my son’s room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.