Don’t get me started on tan suits!
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
My twin brother and I finally got a barber appointment and decided to shave off our Corona Beards.
He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.
Two Elves walk into a bar,
The hobbit laughs and walks under it.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
Will glass coffins ever be popular?
Remains to be seen
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.
It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.
A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe….
They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time. The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!” The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!” The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit… Cindy has a dick.”
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
Therapists only care about one thing
And it’s fu*king discussing
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
I’m starting a group for people who cannot climax.
Let me know if you cant come.
Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
I met my girlfriend at an African language class…
We just clicked!
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
I am surprised I didn’t get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.
It was about a week back.
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
I’ve been involved in a number of integrations, both as a leader and a follower
https://ift.tt/2SXWCb8
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times…
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
I feel like something is off but I just can’t put my head to it
I feel like something is off but I just can’t put my head to it
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
Went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
Mycoxafloppin
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.