Don’t jump to conclusions
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.
On a plane!
I guess I need to re-pair it.
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
and that's where I come in.
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time." A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
How could anyone stoop so low??
it’s not stroganoff.
You can say… I solved the case.
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
We were watching a documentary on African wildlife, and my son asked me, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs?”
Me: No, I think they come that way.
A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the head mistress for a woman for the evening as his wife had left him. She says "sure thing but I gotta ask, what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?". He says "well, my wife found a genie's lamp and her first wish was a home fit for a queen and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever and so she got this very well behaved donkey". The mistress asks about the third wish and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee. She says "well that doesnt sound so bad". "It wouldn't be that bad except I used to be 6' 3".
They both end with a check mate
I said maybe
A roads scholar.
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
I also told him she wants him to clean his room