Don’t know if it’s a repost ,
I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.
He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready. He timidly asked her….so what happened last night when I got home? Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore….I'm married, than you passed out.
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
Why hasn’t Barbie ever gotten pregnant?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
Last night I dreamt that I was weightless
I was like “0mg”
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
The aftermath.
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself…
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours
CHARLIE: That’s wondrous! WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis. CHARLIE: Wait, wha- WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves? Edit: credit for this amazing joke https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
https://ift.tt/3aCVqAn
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
Wise old saying
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNQRSTUVWXYZ
If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I gave up my seat to a blind lady in the bus..
And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
What do you call a Chinese Disease?
Kung Flu.