Don’t laugh that’s your dad one day
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a brazillion?’’
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.” With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. “Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
Son, have a vodka with me!
No, thanks, dad. Come, have a drink with your father! Dad, I'm 5. – Dad is shitfaced but he insists: Ok, just one shot. The kid drinks it and start crying: Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing! Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun! (Russian joke)
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
https://ift.tt/38Crcgl
What do you call an anteater that eats ants?
An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Wanna hear a joke about construction?
Wait, I’m still working on it.
A Scotsman and an Englishman
Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock. Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her. Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"
I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…
I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
Does length matter? Short answer: no.
Long answer: yes.
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50, deer nuts are under a buck
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
What do you call a youtuber who’s also a werewolf?
Lycansubscribe
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide, but you can’t run
What is the definitions of a will?
You guys should know this one, it’s easy, a dead giveaway.