Don’t mess with Canada
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad…
I take something for it.
Conjunctivitis.com
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
A man approaches his best friend’s wife one day
when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
Realizing you just fucked up 5 hours of work on a PCR with one pipetting error
https://ift.tt/2Q6v69U
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor.
Life before that is a blur.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
If horses gallop…
Do seahorses scallop?
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
My neighbor walked past with two dogs and I said, “I didn’t know you had dogs.” He replied, “They’re not my dogs, they’re my sisters.”
I exclaimed, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly!"
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
My wife told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”
Me: Floors are beneath me.
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
Me: “Do you shower after sex?”
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one and let the other one off.
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.