Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
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distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
Is there fall damage? Letβs find out.
Is there fall damage? Letβs find out.
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
Took this pic of me today, feel free to make a meme of it
Took this pic of me today, feel free to make a meme of it
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But thatβs just my two scents.
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
A student visits the principalβs office one day and the principal says to him, βWhatβs your name, son?β He replies, βD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.β The principal looks up and asks him, βOh, do you have a stutter?β
The student replies, βNo sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.β
A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife…
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
Do yββou eββver wββake uββp, kββiss tββhe pββerson sββleeping bββeside yββou aββnd fββeel gββlad tββhat yββou’re aββlive?
I jββust dββid aββnd aββpparently wββill nββot bββe aββllowed oββn tββhis aββirline aββgain.
My neighbor stole my dictionary
I have no words
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
I had a dream I was a muffler.
Woke up exhausted.
I hate it when kids write βangleβ instead of βangelβ.
Theyβre just trying to be edgy.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Two lesbians and two gay guys are driving to the beach. Who gets there first? nsfw
The lesbians because theyβre doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys are still at home packing shit.
I told my therapist that i am having suicidal thoughts
He now makes me pay in advance
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,…
…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
Call me a racist if you must, but south of the border is nothing but a land of corruption, violence and stupidity that I wouldnβt touch with a ten foot pole
Iβm extremely lucky to be from Canada
I canβt believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.
The devil took him to the first room. The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So they went to the next room. This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man asked for option 3. This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa. The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!" "Are you sure?" the devil asked "Yes definitely!" "Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place."
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
Listen in the shell, Agustin – Thanks dad, I’ve already downloaded the sea sound app.
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(NSFL) Dog
An animal lover, a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are talking. Animal lover: We should get a dog! Zoophile: and fuck him Sadist: and torture him Pyromaniac: and set him one fire Necrophile: and fuck the corpse Masochist: woof
Robber broke into my house to find money
I searched with him
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch. I made this up at work. It's a dad-joke for sure. I googled it and found no record of it. What do I win?
A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
A black kid pulls the flour over his head.
A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
Thatβs a lot to digest.
Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.
I donβt know why marvel hasnβt tried to advertise on the hulk.
Heβs a giant banner after all.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
A defribilator almost never fails, when it did…
No One was shocked