Don’t put cheese and laptops together
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things…"
That was a pain in the ass.
But there’s too many drawbacks
The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts playing the piano. The bartender is amazed, and so he asks the guy, "Where the fuck did you get this?" The guy replies, "I asked this genie. You can ask for something if you want, but be careful, he don't hear very well." The bartender greedily snatches the lamp out of the guy's hands and says, "I want a million bucks!" All of a sudden, POOF, a million ducks appear in the bar. The bartender who is outraged asks, "What the hell? I asked for BUCKs, not DUCKs?!" The guy says, "I told you, he doesn't hear very well. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
I found it a little hard to swallow.
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
Their careers were in ruins.
You can only ran, because it's past tents
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
It just sits there and collects dust.
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
It's fucking r/aww
Instead I just swam for the surface.
I think he's lost the plot…
So I stuck it in her ass and said, “Yeah, you like that Steve.”
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"