Don’t show these puns to grandma
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
My math teacher called me average…
How mean.
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,
She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama
A dollar !
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to one of his customers, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters from the barber instead of the dollar bill?” The boy replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game will be over!” 😛 😀
Italian Altar Boy’s Confession
An Italian altar boy goes to confession. He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night
The owner of the shop said, What do you do for a riving? I said, What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian. So the Chinese chap says, Go on then, change color. I said, No. I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian. So then he says, Tell me a joke, make me raff. I said, You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh? Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, Wok. Wok. And he said, Who der?
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
What sneakers to pedophiles wear?
White Vans
I’m allergic to death.
It causes me to start coffin.
Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice…
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem." The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?" "Yes, it's absolutely sweltering" "Then get an air conditioner" "I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor" "Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?" "Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank" "Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help." So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her. Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh… oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!" Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
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Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsssss
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."