Don’t talk to my kinases. Ever.
Is it true ? I think it’s the temp of the surface of the sun ? What do you think?
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some assholes got my pen
Inspired by a recent post
Front End, Back End
My bald surgeon friend is the most charismatic guy I know.
He is a real smooth operator.
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
Can’t argue with that logic, can you?
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad
What room of a house does a ghost not need?
The LIVING ROOM
From The Seattle Times, why fake news is a bad thing
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
How to unsee
And no fucks were given that day
A guitarist goes to prison
In the cafeteria, everyone is telling stories on why they’re here One man explains how he got caught robbing a bank Another tells the story of him getting busted selling drugs Another says how he killed someone Then they all ask the guitarist why he’s in here He replied: I fingered the wrong minor
A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
Does anyone know Bruce Lee’s dad’s name?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
Thank you panicwave
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
I laughed and then cried
Finally no fighting over color names
French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.
Her: Where is the 5th? French guy: Cinq.
After spending all night working on it
Trump pulling out the big guns
Nobody cares !!
Private healthcare ad [OC]
(Chuckles) I’m in Danger.
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
I just found out “AUGGHHH” isn’t a real word
I can't express how that makes me feel.
BEGONE FOUL DEMON
Out here asking the real questions
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
Making America great!
What did the mouse use to build his house?
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
I mean, this is America. Anything is possible
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
Makes you wonder
I am pleased and happy to report…
CanI have a hug? Please?
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
Don’t worry about Godzilla
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
Trump in 2011
Did someone say WALK?!?!?!
What do you call a magical bra?
His cat was on some other stuff
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
My favorite mug.
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
When you can’t afford a trip to Europe [HUMOUR]
Big fan of the early work