Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
My rich friend hired a one-armed butler, and is now regretting it.
Serves him right.
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”
"Is this her first child?" he asked. "No this is her husband"
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
What do you call pasta with a cold?
Macaroni and sneeze Was told to me by my 3 year old
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft
Wanted: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.” After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.” Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!” The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with “I”
Bobby: I is… Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is". Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
A detective arrives at the scene of a crime and immediately knows what the murder weapon is
It was a brief case Edit: my first silver! Thank you, kind stranger.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut