| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless.
But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
Will glass coffins be a success???
Remains to be seen.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
What starts with 0 and end with 0?
My bank account.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.
Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?
My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal. Me: My truck.
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
I went to a beestore to buy bees
The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested. When I asked him what the last one was for. He told me it was a freebie.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving
He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name. “What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated. “You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.” “Really? It’s that easy?” “Yeah you just have to fill out some paperwork.” I paused. “I can drive you if you want.” “Thanks dude. What would I even change my name to though?” “How about something common that holds on to your roots? Something like Lee.” “Lee. I like it.” Unfortunately, Ling had overheard our talk and launched into a tirade about how his name had been in the family for generations and he couldn’t just throw away his heritage like that. Ving was set though. The next day, we drove to city hall. Ling insisted on coming along, hoping to convince Ving to change his mind. She complained the entire way. Ving wasn’t deterred though. We finally got to city hall and got the paperwork. As he was filling it out, Ving’s face changed. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You’ve been excited all day and yesterday for this.” “I know, I know. It’s just— it’s my dad’s name too. I don’t know.” Ving sighed. “I don’t think I can go through with it.” Ling looked relieved. The receptionist noted that there was a small cancellation fee. Ling happily took out some money. Suddenly, an Asian man in Ray-Bans, neon shorts, and an American flag T-shirt bursted through the doors. “Dad!” Ving, tears streaming down his face, ran to embrace his father. Ving Sr. smiled at his son. “Don’t stop. Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee Ling.”
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.