Dont worry if a tree tries to bully you…
They're all Bark and no bite
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
He wanted to raise the steaks.
They’re soft drinks.
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
I said no, it's a mandate
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading. Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded. EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?” He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.” He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.” “You mean measles?” “No…kneesles.” Then he removed his underwear. She sighed… “Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and to the the point. "Interesting", said the American journ'o, "can you give us an example?" "Well", said the UK guy, "take this crime that happened yesterday, a mental patient escapes from the local funny farm, enters a laundry, rapes one of the washer women and runs off. What headline would you use?" The two thought for a moment and said." Maniac sexually assaults laundry worker and escapes". "See," Says the UK guy, "too long". "what's your headline then?", said the American. The UK guy smiles and said, "Nut screws washer and bolts".
Y’know, one would’ve been enough.
… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
I come from a long line of wood winds, so I was shocked when my daughter said she wanted to be a percussionist
But thinking back, when I checked her instrument case, the cymbals were always there.
I left work and a cop followed me home for my entire 50 minute commute then ticketed me in my own driveway.
He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket. I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong. He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.