Dont worry if a tree tries to bully you…
They're all Bark and no bite
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.
What did James Brown say to his dog?
1, 2…get down
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
The Ultimate Joke:
This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now. A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him. "What would you like for your last meal?" "I would like a banana please." The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released. A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him. "You again? Shit. What do you want this time?" "Two bananas please." The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time. Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time. "Let me guess. Three bananas?" "Actually yes! How did you know?" "Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry." So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. "I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!" "Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.
But I didn't see the point.
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don’t worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
Do you want to why I get along well with short people?
It’s because they look up to me.
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
Monkeys
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem
I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterday when she said she was going for a team building meeting, I followed her on my motorbike after two blocks a guy stopped his car hugged her and opened his car door for her. I was watching all that from a distance so they wouldn't see me. When they finally drove off I tried to start my bike to follow them but it couldn't start. What could the problem be guys? The clutch ? Engine? Petrol? Plug? I'm so worried about my bike. Got banned from r/relationship_advice for this so thought I might as well post it here lmao
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
To whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope you're happy now.
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
My wife left me because I’m insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and, [Wait for it…] The coffin stops.
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
My son asked me how hard it is to calculate the area of a circle
I told him it’s easy as pi
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
I was told to post this here.
This here.
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
German sausage is the wurst.
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My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.