Don’t you dare entry our territory
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
It’s a boomers humor Christmas! Found in a sixty-year-old women’s feed unironically.
https://ift.tt/2t4wstl
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined…
Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
My friend keeps saying, “If I wasn’t making drinks, I would be in jail.”
Currently he’s behind bars .
Why shouldn’t blind people sky dive??
It scares the dog.
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
Pope gets a lesson
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
I’m glad you like my tiny candles!
I really needed that votive confidence.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
What do cars and Scientology have in common?
Cruise control