Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
I decided to learn sign language.
It’s surprisingly very handy.
The UK trialled switching to the dollar…
/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1ay/the_uk_tested_switching_to_the_dollar/
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
Their lawsuit.
I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex
One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!" Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and shouts "WHO THE FUCK IS ANGELA?" Matt, realizing that he just said another girls name during sex, tries to cover it up with an excuse, and replies "Oh? You don't know what "Angela" means? Haha its a newer slang term, which means 'here I come, take my load!'" Sarah gives a puzzled look, and forgets about it in the moment as they continue to cuddle in bed. The next day, Sarah meets up for the first time with a group of girls at her dorm, and meets Rose, and they have a good time and slowly become friends. After hesitating for a while, Sarah casually asks, "Hey, do you know what Angela means? Something boys are starting to say more often?" to which Rose replies, "no, not really." Sarah continues to say that it means "here I come, take my load!" Rose, confused, looks back at her and says: "I heard that's what "Sarah" means?"
I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today
Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park
My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit….wrong thread.
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
Breathe idiot, breathe!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and, [Wait for it…] The coffin stops.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.