Doof music
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
The Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
So, a snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”
What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?
The wizard of fl.oz.
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
I tell my wife I’m close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..
I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
[Picture] Im selling a microwave on facebook and asked my dad to send me pictures of the inside of it to show a buyer.
I wasn't disappointed https://imgur.com/gallery/gCDyE8C
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
When the person who invented the USB drive dies…
They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks ‘A gift for your daughter?’
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!' She thought that was pretty funny.
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
I asked a young pretty homeless woman if I could take her home?
She smiled and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good 😀
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
When collaborating on a Word doc goes wrong…
Especially if collaborators don’t stick with the format.https://ift.tt/2Ew0T1o
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y’know, one would’ve been enough.
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
The Bard’s barber often asked him if he preferred a clipper cut.
And every time, William spake "shears."
Where do dogs keep their cold summertime treats?
In the pant-ry
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
No text found
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A swallow