Doof music
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
It's not like it's the end of the world
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I asked the Wal-Mart worker where I could find the nuts.
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”
Why shouldn’t blind people sky dive??
It scares the dog.
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.”
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that." The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
“OMG! There’s a wolf!”
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
I’ve met a noble Russian homosexual
His name was Sir Gay
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel.
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend. “That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies. The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains. When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc. “Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscrews the disc from the floor. The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room. “You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing. Angry and confused, the man asks “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?!” The clerk replies “Well, on the floor below you, the entire chandelier came down.”
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
