Doof music
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?”
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, “3.99” The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02” The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, “I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!” Philosopher smiles, “But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?” Logician replies, “Please define 2 * 2 more precisely.” The sociologist, “I don't know, but is was nice talking about it.” Behavioral Ecologist, “A polygamous mating system.” Medical Student, “4” All others looking astonished, “How did you know ?” Medical Student, “I memorized it.”
I like jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite Disney movie?
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!
Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional!
Even the cake was in tiers!
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
There are two types of people. People who need closure
No text found
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China. The governor: Fine people…I don't know. Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: I'm a farmer. Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced. Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course. Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government. Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask. Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow? Farmer: I actually have two cows.
My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
A Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital,
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
My friend David lost his ID…
Now I call him Dav.
Chess
So I started practicing my chess skills the other day. I've played against myself over 100 times! I'm pretty sure it's working! I haven't lost a single game yet