Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo
As I get older and I remember all the people Iβve lost along the wayβ¦
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasnβt for me after all.
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, βWhatβs going on?β βYou tell me?β replied my wife. I said, βI donβt know, youβre sitting on the sofa with a stranger.β βA stranger, hey?β shouted my girlfriend, βIβm no stranger, weβve been having sex for six months!β I looked at my wife and said, βIs this true?β
What is a weightlifterβs favorite city?
Gainesville
The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
Do yββou eββver wββake uββp, kββiss tββhe pββerson sββleeping bββeside yββou aββnd fββeel gββlad tββhat yββou’re aββlive?
I jββust dββid aββnd aββpparently wββill nββot bββe aββllowed oββn tββhis aββirline aββgain.
What kind of bird is always in pain?
The oooowwwwwwwwwwl
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
My friends keep telling me Iβm on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if theyβre joking or not.
I have a good Tupperware joke
but the punchline doesn't fit, its from another Tupperware joke
A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man…
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. βWell, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?β the owner says. The Mexican responds, βHow about $50?β The owner says βFine, thereβs a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.β The ownerβs wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, βDoes he realize that the porch goes all around the house? Thatβs a whole dayβs job!!β The man replies, βHe should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didnβt pay attention.β A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. βYouβve finished already?β the husband asks. βYes,β he replies, βand there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.β Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. βAnd by the way,β the Mexican adds, βitβs not a Porsche, itβs BMW"
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
The creator of Star Trek was renowned for emptying his bowels in obscure places.
He would boldly go where no man had gone before.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
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Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on!
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.