double
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.
I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
Do you remember what happened in 1997?
No Biggie.
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?
The surgeon said: go ahead, knock yourself out.
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well…uh…that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel…
The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?” The kid says, “I wanna get laid!” The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.” “But I wanna get laid.” The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.” Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, “Kid! You’re back!” The kid says, “You said wait ten years, so I did.” Did you practice on the tree like I told you?” “Yes ma’am, I did!” The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house. As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute. The lady screams, “What are you doing kid?” “Checking for squirrels.”
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward
A guy and a girl are going to prom together.
She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her. She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is very long but eventually he is able to purchase her a corsage. She asks to take a limo, and so the guy goes to rent a limo but the line is really long to rent a Iimo. Eventually he pays for the limo and they go to the prom together. When they get to the school, there's a line to get in, and after waiting awhile they're finally at the prom. She asks if he would go get her some punch, so he goes over to the table and there's no punch line.
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
When you develop a browser extension that is not scalable enough to handle 1,400 tabs!
https://ift.tt/33SC4VL
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.” The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.” The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Spruce Wayne
A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom…
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
Teacher : Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student : I is the … Teacher : Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student : OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
The Cringe is strong here “Hey everyone! I’m a programmer and this is a programmer shirt!”
https://ift.tt/36At2xd
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!" Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
What’s the fastest way to massacre snails?
A salt rifle
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day…
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Did you hear about the satellites that got married?
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
A ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
I never met herbivore.
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."