Double homicide
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well…
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
Her:I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me:Well that makes two of us
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads “If you lift this 21″ laptop with your dick, it’s yours!”
… The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him. A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works. Fed up and in tears, she goes to the husband and asks, why are you no longer making love to me!? He replies: Honey, I've been training for the washing machine!
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
My wife wanted to get into “role play” to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said. I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me. After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
Me, being forced to use Word again after three years of writing assignments in LaTeX
https://ift.tt/34m76nI
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
I should’ve known my brother’s new girlfriend is deaf.
The signs were there.
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
The UN decided to do a worldwide survey…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
What’s the difference between the 1920s and 2020s?
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
No text found
Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.