Double illiterate homocide
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
A son asks his dad, “Tell me a joke!”
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
England doesn’t have a kidney bank…
But they do have a Liverpool
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*
Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better.. Me: But mom, I lov….. Mom: I was talking to her.
Dr. Frankenstein asks Igor if he knows where his monster wandered off to.
Igor responds, "I'm not sure, but I have a hunch."
Why do North Koreans hate jazz music?
They don't have Seoul.
I watched a documentary about beavers last night
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen
Trumpets and Gun
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm
Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "come on octopus, what's going on?" Octopus goes "dude, I'm trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?"
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
I just adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
A man sees a lady with big breasts.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
College Tour Dad Joke
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed.
But they'll recoup.
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".
I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex
But when the time came, I finally knew
Donald trump walks into a bar…
And lowers it.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.