Double whammy
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
A good bar joke that always makes women laugh
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?? His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie.
But, it was already Taken.
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
Why did the student not learn anything at Sandpaper Class?
The class had just scratched the surface!
Why didn’t Barbie get pregnant?
Ken came in another box
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.
I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?
Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption “We could all learn from this guy”
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
What should you do when its cold?
stand in the corner, because its 90 degrees there
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
Trump educates himself about the subject before talking about it
…. Thats the whole joke
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.
He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself. The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door. "Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" "You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
A cowboy, who just
moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
An airplane is about to crash!
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids “Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?”
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
If your here for pee jokes, urine luck
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What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
