Double whammy
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Did you know the keyboard never sleeps
Because it has two shifts
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
Who did Luke Skywalker learn to make pastries from?
WARNING: THIS JOKE IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE Obi-wanCANNOLI I’ll show myself out.
Calculate your next travel destination for 2020. Guaranteed to be 100% accurate
https://ift.tt/2Y6EHCK
Text exchange with my 70-yo father. He’s still got it.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄 Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲 Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree. Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓 Me: Oooof Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you? Him: I wooden know about that
My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.
I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
My wife just left me because I’m too insecure…
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
Someone: “If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19”
My response: "144? That's a gross"
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
I went to a bait and tackle shop the other day
They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Why hasn’t Barbie ever gotten pregnant?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
Apparently you cant use “beefstew” as a password
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old…
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?” “It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!” “I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?” Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”
I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic. … Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor
He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice” The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a week. A week later the guy comes back and says “Doc, those pills didn’t stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand it” The doctor replied “Good. Now that your sinuses are cleared up let’s work on your hearing”
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
Dad – “Nice shirt, is that felt?”
Son – “No, it is cotton. Here,” as he reaches his arm out to me and I touch his sleeve. Dad – “It’s felt now.”
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
A blonde was touring a farm…
…and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”