This is America
Hate that month
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
One day we’ll find a cure!
This is 👇
This made me smile
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman
were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."
What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
What is a Monarchist’s least favorite type of music?
Royalty free music
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
How do you comprehend anything this man says?
Heritage, not hate!
Hello darkness my old friend
In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken…
…they’ve been friends for a long time. One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking. Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?” Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a little hay…next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.” So what happens? Chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s fucking gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety. The horse is grateful and says “anytime you need me, I’ll be there." So what happens? About a week later, same thing only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud. Horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house but he can’t drive the BMW, runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety. Moral of the story – if you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!
Corporate America showing its true colors
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
A couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medicare."
It really be like that boomer
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
found this on my uncles facebook😑
All America is Gravefull
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
Wanted to give you a laugh
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
CaNnOt ReSoLvE sYmBoL ‘string’
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
When you finished your project…
I found a MEOW in an Amazon page.
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
Should I let her know?
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
A variation on an old favorite?
“What is your name, son?
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
Lol this hits differently.
everyone knows fries aren’t fried in France
they're fried in Greece.
Can’t wait to (not) go out!
There are boomer in me_irl
Don’t bullshit me
Insert Title Here
Do you support a 3 day work week?
Sure ya do.
That seems pretty… reasonable.
Saw this on Facebook
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
Hope he gets his owl back
Mobius it is
Why do HK police go to work early?
To beat the crowds.
*Sad bug noises*
The Un/known Soldier