When it's full groan
Tell him Obama put it in…
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
No text found
And then Samsung.
People are dying to get there.
I said, “No. I have Stranger Things to watch.”
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
MY CAPS LOCKED
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Some asshole has their pen.
On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’ So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’ The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’ The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’
Is was working overtime.
I wish tinder had it too.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
I left work and a cop followed me home for my entire 50 minute commute then ticketed me in my own driveway.
He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket. I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong. He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
To beat the crowd.
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
It runs in your Jeans.
If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
He was blown apart.
It was Won Ton
Because it's made of hide
Cos it's a sin.
it just sounds so…foreign