Dream team?
That didn’t end well
That didn’t end well
Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.
After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreauxβs sessions. βIf you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, which only cost tirty dollas a month, the gubmint pays you benefishary $400,000.β βNow, which group you tink the gubmint gonna send to Afghanistan first?β
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
Donβt take life too seriously.
Youβll never get out of it alive anyways.
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
Accidental Dad Joke
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Cremation isnβt free
You have to urn it
A lot of conflict in the Wild West….
….could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
A girl killed a butterfly [Slightly NSFW]
Her father became mad and said "No butter for you" Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you" The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama" (Sorry, English is not my first language)
I donβt advertise my lip reading business…
Itβs all word of mouth…
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
Breaking a leg during an auditionβ¦
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
If a blind girl says you have a big penis
She's probably pulling your leg