Dress code
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.
The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later the Cuban man takes out a very fancy cigar, has one puff and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the Cuban man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later, the English man throws the Indian man out the window.
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius
But his brother Frank was a monster!
Butterflies
"This is my butterfly collection! We have a wide range. This is Fred- off there in the corner. The monarch. Beautiful pattern. We got him from the Toledo Zoo. But careful you don't startle him- he isn't the socialist of butterflies."
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
What’s a group of chubby newborns called?
Heavy infantry
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
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I’ve discovered the optimal way to survive the great 2020 toilet paper pandemic
Just stop giving a shit
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.
I’m writing a mystery novel
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It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face….
….We never went back to Thailand since!
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
“Judge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
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[presidential test post]
pls ignore
