What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
No shit Sherlock !
Crosspost from r/fuckyoukaren: The Karenheit Scale
Boomer cartoon found on instagram
Medicare for All helps EVERYONE
The Filament Goes Bright & Hot
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.
The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later the Cuban man takes out a very fancy cigar, has one puff and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the Cuban man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later, the English man throws the Indian man out the window.
Imports Are Universally Used
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
Windows man, how do they work?
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
Just the worst
Oh my Gmail!!
Here we go again
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius
But his brother Frank was a monster!
"This is my butterfly collection! We have a wide range. This is Fred- off there in the corner. The monarch. Beautiful pattern. We got him from the Toledo Zoo. But careful you don't startle him- he isn't the socialist of butterflies."
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
Works I guess?
I think I’m hilarious
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
Trump loves his new star wars flag….
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
Beware of dog…
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
Merry Christmas from the USA
I love how we programmers think <3
No mask, no problem
What’s a group of chubby newborns called?
Constantly on the lookout for it 🧐
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
only 5 days left guys
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
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I’ve discovered the optimal way to survive the great 2020 toilet paper pandemic
Just stop giving a shit
It’s a secret to everyone
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.
I’m writing a mystery novel
No text found
Yep, it’s fission time 😎
The Man Who Stands Normal
int three = round(PI);
My next Christmas Wish
It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face….
….We never went back to Thailand since!
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
“Judge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
I’m a professional programmer now!
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
Wife bad. DIY good.
Me walking back to the project I abandoned two months ago
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
No text found
[presidential test post]
He was being sarcastic
BEST OF PROGRAMMING MEMES REDDIT (I made a vid of it)
Funny and sad at the same time . Yikes
10 out of 10
This birthday card.