Drew a comic of next years costume
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
I have a chicken proof lawn
It's impeccable
Our baby boy was actually born on the way to the hospital.
His name is Carson.
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Dawn is tough on Greece.
What color is the wind??
Blew!
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
These scare me most about the future when it’s a younger millennial sharing this drivel.
https://ift.tt/34p9pX8
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm… that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Know what goes great with a Coronavirus?
Lime disease
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
Why are gay people bad at math?
Because they can't multiply.
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…