Drew a comic of next years costume
The self-cannibal at work got into trouble for making fun of me.
He really put his foot in his mouth.
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
BECOMING IRISH
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school.. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mick?" she asked. "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one and let the other one off.
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
“Judge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.
My GF said she hates my sense of direction.
So I packed my stuff and right.
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
How is Pope’s poop different from rest of us?
It's Holy Shit.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
A man goes to join an order of monks.
A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
No text found
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!