Driving you crazy!
2020, 24 hours to go…
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
You don't know what you are missing.
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! "Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish! "I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! "I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. "I wish for a meatier shower!"
I must be tired.
but no one will do it
Have I ever told you about the time I nearly died in a plane crash? Well… One dark and stormy night, our cargo plane was loaded with supermarket goods. But we were in trouble! A freak storm had showed up, and our plane was struggling against the hurricane-force winds. After a terrifying hour of this, we lost navigational controls. The pilot had descended to 10,000 feet, and was attempting to search for a safe place to make an emergency landing. But the plane was no match for the fury of the storm. The aircraft was tossed to and fro and the wind threatened to crumple it like a ball of foil. Our fuel was now nearly gone, and the engines were sputtering. As far as we could tell, we were now over some large city. But that was no consolation to us, as we were hurtling to our certain deaths. The captain announced over the comms that everyone should prepare for the worst… The morale of the crewmembers had now drastically fallen. Some of us lay crying in a corner, others had passed out from sheer fear or dread, and still others screamed out desperate prayers in their despair. Everyone, even the captain, had lost hope. Everyone, that is, except for the cargo bay janitor, Steve. Steve just stood there amidst the chaos, rolling with the punches of the relentless wind. As I lay there with my crewmembers, Steve somehow remained standing, and not far off, seemingly without a care in the world. Suddenly, the wind tore a hole in the cargo bay, and four pallets of frozen meat exploded out of it, scattering over the city below. I looked on in horror, imagining the huge slabs of meat destroying rooftops, or smashing pets, children, and vehicles. Steve just watched it all with a smirk. I looked at him, and he, noticing my gaze, turned back with that same wry grin and said: . . . . . . . . . . . . "Now that's what I call a… . . Wait for it… . . . . . . meatier shower."
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
Zero, because the change starts with you.
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I think its days are numbered.
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
because I'm always right.
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
But let me give it a shot.
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
He learned fish swim in schools
I don't know and I don't care
He was growing through a rough patch.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
Not enough to break the ice.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
The Stern- Liouville operator
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
No Questions asked
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"