DROP TABLE christmas_dinner
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
I’m an excellent programmer, ohh yeah!
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
But then you realise it’s the only worthwhile thing you can do as a CS major.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today because…
…that's Hawai'i roll…
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
Big peen good, strong man bad
Found one on Facebook!
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
Trump Fires Inspector General — “He’s a total disgrace, I would know”
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
Something went wrong
She always begs the cat for kisses until he gives in
It’s the world we live in
Two types of people…
280 characters bad
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Ngl this is actually funny
Facebook is like a mine
They are more contagious….
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
“Go play outside” “Do we have a charging cable long enough?”
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
When you make your imaginary friend quite irate
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
A restroom in a mexican bar.
This is our president
Haha dad old
No. Nop. Noppeee.
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
We’re living in some weird dystopia right now
Why is a leather jacket good for camouflage?
Because it's made of hide
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It’s all about raisin awareness
Even an electron is more powerful than me
My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
Wish me luck fixing the remaining 6!
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome God: creates birds
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
Your favourite font
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident…
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
*cries in powershell*
The joys of StackOverflow
Coronavirus: Trump says US in good shape to meet ‘peak’
Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)
A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads Grilled Cheese – $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef – $6 Hand jobs -$20 A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?" "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks. "Yes I am!." She replies with a wink. "Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."
I’m starting to notice a pattern…
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?” The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?” The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: “Listen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper…
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
*about 360 years
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Piece of cake.
Found on FB
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police." I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man. I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.