DROP TABLE Drives;
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
My dad didn’t beat cancer
Love means nothing to them.
Because I'm Canadian.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
For a walka walka walka
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time!!! I'm putting my shoes on!"
But when I do, he usually laughs
Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.
No text found
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
until it’s fully groan.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
You can hide but you cant run
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!
And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
I don't get the difference.
Verb, not adjective
He just can’t part with it.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
Once in a Blue Moon.
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?