Dropping Bass
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
So two aliens find their way to earth
They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
I just got attacked by a gang of mime artists…
They did unspeakable things to me.
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
An invisible man marries an invisible woman…
The kids weren't much to look at!
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things…
"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink ?
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
12yr old daughter got me good
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,
When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too. She said: "Let's start with a 69" The Country Boy replied: "What's that?" With that she got him into position, and they went at it Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on She tried holding it back, but she figured the Country Boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip Less than a Minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well After that, the Country Boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed The City Girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The Country Boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those"
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously… How low can you go?
How do you count People from Mississippi
1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
Believing only 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth theist.
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says – “Talking dog for sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??" "Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that.
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
Me being tempted by all the languages I tell myself I could learn while under quarantine.
https://ift.tt/2xLOKlw
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
