Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!
The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened. He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole. Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
Last time I got a hole in one
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all day the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is. “I’m a Christian” says the first man. “Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was. “I am a Muslim” says the man “Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was. “I am an Atheist” answers the man “Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?” St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia (stolen from tumblr)
They have tiny little antibodies…
That’s just how I roll
it's a naan stick pan
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
Because six, seven eight.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
No pun in ten did.
Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself…he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
Because they lactose
He had an iron deficiency
He puts on another coat!
CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!
I thought we had good alchemy.
I said no, the cars are much faster
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”