Ducks are coming!!
Kidnapping Congress
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
I hate two things
math
My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
Shit Ain’t Funny Anymore. Stop making Excuses For That Guy Who Occupies The white House.
https://ift.tt/2VYradO
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, “What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.”
So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know…" he says to the gorilla."We don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in the wardrobe?
I said its Narnia business
Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, they just waved. Sea what I did there? Im Shore you did, but can’t kelp it but laugh
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.
80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
When a women is giving birth, she’s literally kidding.
No text found
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government
Because it's gross income
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop?
The second hand store.
When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,
but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me… Or texts me… or talks to me… I’m very lonely.
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."