Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
I'm all ears
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
There was no coffin at his funeral!
She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?” I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. “Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
Those were dark days.
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
11:34 right now
It took them forever to get back up.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
I think he's full of shit
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well give it a try. So he goes to the witch doctor and the witch doctor said” Oh, that’s easy. Just climb up the Bear Mountains and go down Bear Mountains. Fog will appear then disappear. Once the fog disappear, a frog will appear on a lily pad. Ask that frog if that frog will marry you.” So the man goes up the Bear Mountains, down the Bear Mountains, fog appears, fog disappeared. A frog appears on a lily pad. The man ask the frog if he will marry him. The frog says no and the man felt a trembling and shake, looked down his pants and noticed his penis shrank by 5 inches. The man asked the frog again, “Frog, will you marry me?”. The frog again said no. The man felt the trembling and shaking again and noticed his penis shrank by 5 more inches. He thought to himself, “This is great! All I gotta do is ask the frog one more time and he will say no and I’ll have a 10 in perfect penis and every woman will want to have sex with me”. He proceeded to ask the frog one more time “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog looks up at him and said “How many times I gotta tell you? NO, NO, NO!”
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?". "My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied. "And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked. "I think I've done a pretty good job"
I’ll show him!