Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
You got any corny jokes?
I'm all ears
My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!
I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?” I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. “Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
Fibonacci
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
What’s the time?
11:34 right now
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
I was going to make a Corona virus joke
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
A man with a 25 inch penis…
Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well give it a try. So he goes to the witch doctor and the witch doctor said” Oh, that’s easy. Just climb up the Bear Mountains and go down Bear Mountains. Fog will appear then disappear. Once the fog disappear, a frog will appear on a lily pad. Ask that frog if that frog will marry you.” So the man goes up the Bear Mountains, down the Bear Mountains, fog appears, fog disappeared. A frog appears on a lily pad. The man ask the frog if he will marry him. The frog says no and the man felt a trembling and shake, looked down his pants and noticed his penis shrank by 5 inches. The man asked the frog again, “Frog, will you marry me?”. The frog again said no. The man felt the trembling and shaking again and noticed his penis shrank by 5 more inches. He thought to himself, “This is great! All I gotta do is ask the frog one more time and he will say no and I’ll have a 10 in perfect penis and every woman will want to have sex with me”. He proceeded to ask the frog one more time “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog looks up at him and said “How many times I gotta tell you? NO, NO, NO!”
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
An old woman asks her husband of 60 years
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?". "My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied. "And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked. "I think I've done a pretty good job"
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
