Wife Bad, Drink Good
No explanation needed
I’d rather inject myself with bleach!
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
Two men golfing…
Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go. The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, “What’s wrong?” He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.” The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.” He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, “What’s wrong?” The first guy says, “Small world.”
If you didn’t take a picture, you didn’t eat it
He knows what you did
When you look into Linus Torvalds’ github commit history
Couldn’t Have Happened to a Better Guy
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget
I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid…
Man she really wanted a daughter.
Look who just got paid!
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
Son: Dad, don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?
Dad: Son, it's good to live life to the fullest.
PSA: This is who is iin the white house.
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot
Guilty Conscience? Who would have trunk!
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
The compiler is broken.
Thoughts and prayers
Do you have a flag?
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.
Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times. Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. The woman gets well soon and gives birth to three healthy triplets, two girls and one boy. The incident at the bank gets forgotten over the time. Fourteen years later, one of the daughters comes to her mother, obviously upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." One week later, the second daughter runs to her mother, upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." Another week later, the son comes to his mother, also upset: "Mommy, mommy!' M: "What's the matter, sweetie? No, wait, let me guess. You had to pee and found a bullet in the bowl?" S: "No, but I was jerking off and shot the cat!"
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Why log when you can print!
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
I’m sure it went fine
Lev “Grenade” Parnas
This is almost a checklist of boomer. If it has a laughing crying emoji it would be perfect
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
Reported from r/dankmemes and I thought it would be cool here
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
Word play is the highest form of comedy
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
It was beautiful out today
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes? Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes Wife: Who makes those rules? Me: The Dad Poet Society Wife: groan
Putting the trash back where it came from.
Climate change is a hoax!
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,
“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short…”
Client Side Validation #2
Tabs VS Spaces
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Any sociopaths here?
Then we shall fight Global Warming in the Shade
Jupiter will always be my number 1
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
Eventually I folded
Well the css Work !
My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
A mother asks her son: "Bob, do you think I’m a bad mom?" – Son: "My name is Paul."
Trump supporters be like
It’s a Vax22