dude
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?" 'Oh f*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.
I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued. “Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?” The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.
He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken. "It isn't actually," the man replies. "You mind if I sit there?" "It's actually supposed to be my wife's seat, we haven't missed a Superbowl in 30 years." The man then asks why she isn't with him. "Well, sadly she died quite recently." "I'm sorry to hear that." The man says. "But you couldn't find a single friend or family member to sit with you?" "Unfortunately not," the man says, "They're all at the funeral."
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
How often should columns be connected at the top?
Just a lintel bit of the time
A ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
I never met herbivore.
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. . . . . . . . . . Now it's your turn.
I was disappointed when my son got a job as a scarecrow
But he's outstanding in his field!
I’ve been in jail for only 5 minutes now and I’ve already been raped twice
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly