Due to COVID-19 my Dad has been washing his cash. He just said “this is how you launder money.”
Both President Elects review Dragon’s Dogma 2.
Both President Elects review Dragon’s Dogma 2.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool
I heard a little pun the other day
It wasn't fully groan
A woman is having an affair while her husband is at work
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." The boy says "I have a baseball." The man says "That's nice." Boy asks "Want to buy it?" Man replies "No, thanks." Boy says "My dad's outside." Man "okay, how much?" Boy "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Its dark in here." Man "Yes, it is." Boy "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy "$750? Man "fine" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy ~ "$1,000?" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost." "I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"
I have started freezing different objects at -273.15°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.
I call it the 0k boomer experiment.
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Some things go without saying:
No text found
I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.
"911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
If I poured root beer into a square glass,
would I just have beer?
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
My six year old nephew just told me this joke… Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
I’m going to rewrite history
History
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
