Dumb kids, you don’t want 900,000?
Joke
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
Is it true ? I think it’s the temp of the surface of the sun ? What do you think?
https://ift.tt/2LuHVby
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.
He didn't listen though.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob.’ Bob was stunned.
I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell, 'BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
Shot my first turkey today..
scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wasabi!
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation…
..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose. Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000. Colonel Smith chooses the reach of his arms, that is from the tip of his right index finger to the tip of his left index finger, which results in a distance of 75 inches (so he gets $7.5M). Finally Colonel McConaughey chooses the distance from the tip of his penis to his balls -"Colonel, choose two parts that are more separated, you'll win more money that way!" – says the soldier in charge of the measurement. -"No, i'm sure these are the parts i want measured, please proceed!" – answers the colonel. The soldier then proceeds to take the measuring tape from the tip of colonel's dick and stretches the tape to reach the balls when suddenly he stops and asks "Wait…where are your balls?!" -"I lost them in Vietnam"
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters…
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins…
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
My wife left me for an Indian guy
I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
I recently poured concrete for the foundation of a house.
The plot thickens.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
