… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
I told her we use names now.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
from all of US!
It was a game changer.
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
Yep, she’s pregnant.
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants
A friend you can count on!
The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested. When I asked him what the last one was for. He told me it was a freebie.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
They prefer cooked men
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
All it could say was "rabbit".
No text found
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
I suppose I should have asked why
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
Just don’t pick it up.
They’re free of charge if you’re interested.
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke: "Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad." Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.
It goes back four seconds.
Walking! Jk, Rowling
Nothing. It’s on the house.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Then I could sleep longer.
Sometimes he laughs
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
They’re just trying to be edgy.