Dung Beatles
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin…
…I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
What do you call a mummy with a cold?
I don’t know, Sir Cough I guess
A journal goes to an insane asylum to write an article about it…
He sees all the patient milling around in one room and suddenly one yells 34!and everybody laughs. A few minutes later someone else yells 68! And everybody cracks up laughing.What are they doing? The journalist asks the directior.Well, says the direction… you see, all these people have been together for so long and they've all been telling the same jokes through the years. So now they have a numbering system down, they yell the number and everybody knows the joke and the punchline, saves then telling the whole joke over again.Try one… says the director.Alright, says the journalist and yells 22 and nobody laughs…What happened?Ehh… says the director… that joke was lame
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
I hope someone woke up Green Day
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I bought my friends an elephant for their room
They said: 'Thank you.' I said: 'Don't mention it.'
#2537: Do you have a vagina?
A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
Did you hear about the the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
My neighbors listen to awesome music
whether they like it or not.
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
Why do chicken coops have two doors
If they had four they would be chicken sedans
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
What do you call hiking US college students?
The walking debt.
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
Why did the competitive fish eater sustain liver damage?
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
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I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant. “He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”. “What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” “Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you, I have contacts!
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
🌽🌽🌽 He was out-standing in his field 🌽🌽🌽
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
