During the meeting with the president of Italy Trump said that Italy and the US had cultural and political relations from the time of Ancient Rome. Reaction of the translator is priceless
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station…
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
A tomb raider goes into a pyramid
She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave. Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave. He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She finishes off other zombie slaves until she gets caught by a guardian. Guardian says: I'm going to make you a guardian. He forces the raider into the guardian room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She avoids other guardians and enters the sarcophagus room. The mummy rises and grabs the raider. Mummy says: I'm going to make you a mummy. Raider says: At least you're clear on your intentions.
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
You’ll get Jurasskiced
a book just fell on my head…
i've only got my shelf to blame….
My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison…
He's never going to finish his sentence.
Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
What do u call a tower of pizza boxes?
The leaning tower of pisa
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
Please stop with the dad jokes until this pandemic is over.
Let's all just stick to inside jokes for now.
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
My brother who has a stutter is in prison.
It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"
I finally figured out why the air mattress thought it was better than all the other regular mattresses
Turns out, it had an inflated ego
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
I hate it when they say, “white people can’t dance”…
Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. " The blonde look around and says " Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes…"
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife’s sister says ” it sounds like an elephant in there”
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.." My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
I went to a bait and tackle shop the other day
They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.
A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"