During the meeting with the president of Italy Trump said that Italy and the US had cultural and political relations from the time of Ancient Rome. Reaction of the translator is priceless
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
It was in the middle of 9/11.
she always gazes at me in Au.
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
… and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them. "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!" Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, "Tickets please." The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, "Tickets please." They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on. "That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!" After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them… and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all! "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train." On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, "Tickets please." All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, "Tickets please."
He doesn’t want to be spotted
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
Geralt of Trivia
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and “nobody wants me on their team” and “I haven’t got any friends”.
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
Nuts and bolts
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
It was bad.
Finally, something he's earned
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
… but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooo!!
I'd give it one star.
It’s a small scale operation.
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
He was a her before.
Nobody will give me a straight answer
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
another popes up
There were too many missed stakes
It’s a four loaf cleaver
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
You need it to go skydiving TWICE.
It only takes one nail to hang a picture