During this pandemic I’ve been drinking a lot of brake fluid
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
Why do teenage girls only hang around in groups of odd numbers?
Because OMG they can’t even.
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs.
Hiring manager: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Man: "I’d say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
I met a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing.
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
If money doesn’t grow on tree’s….
Then why do banks have so many branches?
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
Why did dad get angry when the window was broken?
Because it was a pane to replace.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Husband: I don’t like three things about you. Wife: What things?
Husband: Your chin.
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
Catholic school girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
Yes
https://ift.tt/2Hh05xn