Dyslexics untie!
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I still remember fondly the times dad used to roll us down the hill inside tires.
Those were the Good Years.
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
A bicycle can’t stand on its own
Because its two-tired.
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
My friend shouted, “You have a BA, a Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”
It was a third degree burn…
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
Why didn’t Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?
Because he fucking hates Carols.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole crushing.
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
Another film has been released about a barrier in India.
It's a Sikh wall.
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
One day Canada will take over the world…
Then you'll all be sorry!
I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
Airline food is disgusting
It just isn’t on the same level as homemade and restaurant food
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.
Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor." Officer: "That is correct." Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?" Officer: "The floor was still wet."
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country
He wrote back "I can't complain"
Someone has been sneaking into my garden and adding top soil…
The plot thickens.
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
My son is so ungrateful,
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it's a contact sport.
Two Elves walk into a bar,
The hobbit laughs and walks under it.
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
My son asked “daddy, did you pick your nose when you were young?”
“no, son, I was born with it.”
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.