E
A kiss can make your day
But anal will make your hole weak
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
Say “Rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store…
..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.
Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window. When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived. “You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentrate really hard as you fall, you temporarily float just before you hit the ground.” The man was so amazed that he too chugged a pint even faster than the other man, then jumped out of the window. He fell and fell and fell… and then landed on the ground with a splat. He died instantly. The bartender then turned to the man in the bar and said, “You’re such a dick when you’re drunk, Superman.”
My grandpa said that we youngsters rely on technology too much.
I replied "no, you do" and unplugged his life support.
There’s a magician who can fold even the highest-quality guitars in half.
He's known as "the Fender bender".
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
Damn girl are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
A dog gets lost into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah!This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top,a monkey witnessed everything.Evidently,the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily"get on my back,we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago… "
Did you see Trump’s speech last night?
Apparently Nancy Pelosi thought it was tearable.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says:
"you've got a drink named Eugene?"
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
I called the doctor and screamed, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Calm down, is this her first child?”
I shrieked, “No! This is her husband!"
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on
The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him. Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"
I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought…
It’s an extremely rare dish order…
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
What do young male Spanish cows call each other?
Moo-chachos.
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!