Earrings
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
I hate guys who are too overconfident..
I really do. Edit: Thanks for the silver! Edit: Thanks for the gold! Edit: Thanks for the platinum! Edit: Thanks for 4k up votes!
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
I once won a fight that was five against one.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
As a doctor I never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today
Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
The fifth one was dead sirius.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
When two ginger people conceive a child…
the child could technically be considered ginger-bred.
I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday
Fucking Hertz.
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldn’t control their pupils
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
The early bird gets the worm
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-1-400x433.png)
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
Donald trump walks into a bar…
And lowers it.
Why do lamps make people happy?
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.