Easier than explaining progressive taxes
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
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A cannibal is someone who…
…is fed up with people.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
Joke
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? " The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite candy?
Jolly ranchers
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
A man was driving down the road
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?” The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
Please remember to vote today
and remember to call a doctor if your election lasts more than 4 hours.
My neighbor had a BBQ party, and some guest threw a grill at his face.
The attack made headlines.
A lorry carrying LEGO bricks overturned on the motorway.
The police say they don't know what to make of it.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture
They're all back stabbers
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
National Dad Conference
Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it” Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad” Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution
I recently went to my Mom and Dad’s house for a visit.
There was an old picture hanging on the wall of me and my Brothers. It turns out that when the picture was taken, I was living in a completely different frame of mind.
I went to the doctor’s yesterday and told him that I kept thinking I was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. With a look of concern, he asked…
“How long have you been having these Disney spells?”
A Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar …
and it doesn't.
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said: “Thank you.”
I said: “Please don’t mention it.”
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.