Easter 2020
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
Dad: Son, you’re adopted.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are. Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
If I had a Delorean
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility
If only they could see me now!
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to “Don’t stop Believing.”
It was an unexpected Journey.
Vote for whoever you want- but don’t say it will definitively work out this time.
https://ift.tt/2TgTgk9
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…
…until the pressure got to him.
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
Insta and YT decided to copy TikTok and exploit ppls short attention spans 😂
Insta and YT decided to copy TikTok and exploit ppls short attention spans 😂
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
?
I hardly know her!
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and…………………….tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “
Where do dead cows get buried?
Cattlecombs
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don’t worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped.
It’s his worst fear – hare loss.
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a transparent negligee for his wife.
The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
A man walks into a bar NSFW
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After nursing his whiskey he notices a horse in the back of the bar. Curious he asks the bar-tender: "Hey, why the horse in the back of the bar" "Oh, that horse is Jim. We have a pool going. If anyone can make Jim laugh they can have all the money. It's $100 to try." The man thinks for a moment, removes $100 from his wallet, places the money on the bar, walks back, and whispers something in Jim's (the horse's) ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The man walks back to the bar, orders another whiskey, shoots it, takes his winnings and leaves. A few months later this strange man comes back to the bar. Again he orders a drink and again he asks about the horse. The bar tender replies: "Well, since you were last here we needed a new wager. Same deal only now we are looking for someone that can make Jim cry". Then places his money on the bar and walks back to the horse and moments later returns ; a weeping horse in his wake and inquires to his prize money. The bartender not letting go so easily asked, "Hold on mister. You have to tell me. how you won both pools" The man replies: "Last time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him".
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
https://ift.tt/33Km3RC
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
Lego stores have finally reopened in the midst of COVID-19…
and people are lined up for blocks.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.