Easter is coming!
My math teacher called me average…
How mean.
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
I didn’t think my dad would steal from his job as a road worker.
But when i got home, all the signs were there.
The French fencer
There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his ego grew, so did his desire to put on a show. He staged fencing events in different environments; from sword fights in the Himalayas to duels in shark tanks, he won match after match. One day, he decided to host a fencing match in a submarine, which would be broadcasted to millions of viewers. When the day arrived, he was confident in his ability, but his opponent was relentless. Rather than being a pushover like the previous contenders, the match consisted of back-and-forth thrusts and lunges, with both participants straining to concentrate under the din of clashing metal. Eventually, both participants reached a tie of 14 points, meaning whoever received the next point would be the winner. The French fencer went for a feint, but his opponent was not fooled. It was quickly parried and his opponent sent a blinding return thrust into his sensor, earning the last point. The French fencer was devastated. After so many years of training and so many years of being undefeated, his reign was over. He turned to confide in the captain of the ship. What could’ve been the reason? Was it the pressure from so many viewers? Or was the water pressure from being deep-sea throwing off his game? The captain looked at him and replied, “don’t stress about it son. Ripostes are pretty common in this sub.”
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.
“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him. “No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate.
And I’ll name the other DupliKate.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite candy?
Jolly ranchers
What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
The seals.
My mate keeps buying cars
He’s got car owner virus
A woman is walking home with her three daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
Why doesn’t it hurt to get hit with a soda?
They’re soft drinks.
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day? Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man: And the black one? Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them? Farmer: Which one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: She eats grass. Man: And the black one? Farmer: She eats grass, too. Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same? Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine. Man: Oh, and the black one? Farmer: It’s mine, too.
Fibonacci
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
What type of porn does Bill Gates like?
micro soft porn
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
I have a maths joke
But I’m 2² to say it
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram