*eats slowly but surely*
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br.
An artist and a scientist see a rainbow…
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room?
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
Like bro you were there wtf
“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.
A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than ten seconds. The man asks one of the angels there about the strange wall. The angel responds:"Each clock in this room represents a country back on Earth. You see, each clock has the country's name written on the hand, and each time a person from that country commits a sinful act, the hand on said clock goes forward a bit. The bigger the country the bigger the clock." Intrigued by this, the man seeks out the clock of his own country, Canada. And what do you know, there it is, going forward one step at a time. He looks at all the other clocks, like Russia, the biggest if them all. Right next to Russia is tiny Estonia, and next to that Finland, Sweden and Norway, all going steadily forward, almost simultaneously. But one clock is missing. The man asks the angel, "Where is the American clock? I thought it would be pretty big, but I can't see it anywhere." The angel responds:"Ah yes, that one. An arrangement was made to have that one transferred to hell." The man asks:"Huh? Why is that?" To which the angel responds:"It's being used as the ceiling fan in the smoking room."
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you? "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please." "Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He’s pretty good at it too.
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
What are Mario’s jeans made of?
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
Why did China get invaded?
They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.
What is the downside of eating a clock?
It's time-consuming.
Ye Ol’Chemist had a lab,
ene-yne-ene-yne-one
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
Where do dogs keep their cold summertime treats?
In the pant-ry
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed" Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?
Some asshole has their pen.
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."